Our Republican Platform (Pledge to America)

[OCTOBER 3, 2010: I AM DELIGHTED TO REPORT THAT JOHN BOEHNER HAS A SERIOUS OPPONENT, AND I HAVE FULFILLED MY PLEDGE IN THE PENULTIMATE PARAGRAPH (BEFORE THE UPDATE) BELOW. His name is JUSTIN COUSSOULE (pronounced "kuh-SOO-lay"), and he has a perfect bio: distinguished military service, experience in small towns, small business and big business, and a focus on clean energy jobs. If you despise John Boehner and his lies and stupidity as much as I do, help Justin, too!]

You can get our platform from Fox News. But not everyone watches it. And, though we doubt it, there may be some people who don’t respond well to being shouted at by big bruisers like Buchanan, Hanity and O’Reilly.

We think people who would listen to a shrimp like Robert Reich are wimps. But we want your votes anyway. So for those wimps and shrimps out there who still haven’t decided how to vote, as well as those who still can read, we offer this summary of our Pledge to America:

1. Keeping Your Money. We want you to keep your money. Even more, we want to keep our money and see it increase.

We have a lot more money than you do. We can buy you and sell you and everyone you know. But letting everyone keep his or her money sounds so much fairer.

You won’t have all that much money left when we get through outsourcing your job and our banks get through swindling you. But at least the government won’t have your money. You’d much rather let us take it than mean, nasty, incompetent, stupid government, wouldn’t you?

Think of Barney Frank (isn’t he queer?) and Charlie Rangel (isn’t he black?). You see our point now, don’t you?


2. Reducing the Deficit. Deficits are bad. Debt is bad. You know that because, when you take on debt, you feel awful.

We feel awful, too. We feel awful because the debt is going for the wrong things. We want it to go for tax breaks, so we have more money.

We were perfectly happy when Paulson and Dubya ran up debt to bail out Wall Street and the big banks. The folks who run them are our kind of people.

But now it’s going for things like unemployment relief, infrastructure, and (frown) welfare. You don’t want those freeloaders using your money, do you? You’ll never be like them. You’re tough and big and strong, just like Buchanan, Hanity and O’Reilly. (Beck somehow can’t help looking wimpish, even in a Nazi helmet. But he tries.)

And if you ever wimp out and need help, we’ll take care of you. We’ll make sure you get a job greeting customers at Wal-Mart. There’ll be no benefits, but you’re self-reliant, aren’t you? Thought so.

Oh, you wonder how that job will let you use your master’s degree in computer science? No problem. We’ll let you write the greetings. We’ll pay you as if you were Charles Dickens, five cents a word.


3. Taxes. Now some folks think that cutting taxes will raise the deficit. Nonsense! There’s no telling what these commie, pinko liberals will think or say.

Don’t you believe a word of it. That’s just a bunch of liberal hocus-pocus. Didn’t Saint Ronald and Commandant Cheney say that deficits don’t matter?

And even if they do, don’t you worry. We’ll just cut the things that need cutting. We won’t touch defense. But we’ll privatize Medicare and Medicaid and gut everything else. We don’t want those creeps from the EPA and OSHA looking over our shoulder while we do God’s work. So we’ll just eliminate them.

Worried that your air, drinking water, streams and workplace might not ever be the same again? Don’t. That’s just silly. Just think of Barney Frank and Charlie Rangel. Maybe we can cut their salaries by eliminating Congress, too.

Then we can rule directly and get rid of the middlemen. They’re so expensive.


4. Immigration. Our position on immigration is very simple. We’re against it. Except when we import foreigners under H-1 visas to take your jobs at half the pay.

What’s that you say? We’re a nation of immigrants, starting with the Mayflower? We’ll, that may be true. But there were no Mexicans on the Mayflower. We sure as hell don’t want them.

And what about you? You want all those Mexican illegals taking your jobs cleaning toilets, butchering hogs, picking tomatoes, and making beds? If you don’t want those jobs now, you will. After we get through outsourcing all the other jobs, they’ll look pretty good.

So let’s get rid of all those illegals to make way for you. Think of all the good jobs driving deportation buses! When you drive them back to Mexico, remember that “alto" means “stop.” And don’t forget to smile at all those family members holding rocks and bottles in their hands.

And don’t worry about those H-1 visas. They are so few, and the Mexicans are so many. Do you want people in your supermarket whom you can’t even understand?


5. Religion. We love our Constitution. We know it says “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof . . .”

But (wink, nod), we know that this is a Christian nation. We don’t have to “establish” anything for Jesus’ followers to rule. We Protestants are the majority. Catholics are welcome, too, as long as they toe the line.

What about the rest, you ask? What about Jews, Muslims, Buddists and godless atheists? Well, the Constitution doesn’t say anything about them. We all know what the Founders thought. These outliers can practice their heathenism as long as they do so quietly and don’t disturb the rest of us. They don’t even have to wear the Cross.

But what’s this about building an Islamic prayer room in a community center two blocks from Ground Zero? You know what that is. It’s the start of the First Anti-Crusade. If we allow that, Al Qaeda will soon be pouring over the walls.

We’ve got to hold the line somewhere. What better place than New York City, where 80 Muslims died on 9/11.


6. Innovation. Some of you idle dreamers may let your minds wander to windmills, solar power, nuclear power, and electric cars. Don’t waste your time.

They’re all much more expensive than coal and oil. And they always will be. Why? Because our friends make lots of money selling coal and oil, and we’re not about to let them down. If the market doesn’t let them win, then direct subsidies, tax breaks, and relaxed pollution rules will.

Coal and oil aren’t going anywhere. Don’t even think about pricing pollution into their cost.

Global warming, you say? What warming? Wasn’t last winter a cold and snowy one?

Don’t listen to the wimps and false prophets. Fill your Humvee and enjoy. And if you happen to total a Prius on your way home, just turn on your windshield wipers and keep going. That’s just collateral damage. We’ll try not to smirk.


7. Jobs. Jobs? You want a job? You don’t have a business where other people work for you? You don’t have investment income to maintain you? You pay taxes at more than the 15% capital gains rate? Poor thing! Are you sure you’re supporting the right party?

Whatever. Don’t worry! We have jobs for you!

You can be a greeter at Wal-Mart. If you have a higher degree, you can write the greetings. After we expel the Mexicans, you can have their jobs, for their pay.

But that’s not all. If you’re big and strong like Buchanan, Hanity and O’Reilly, you can work in private security. You can protect our property from the hungry masses. Don’t be concerned if they’re your neighbors. They’re not strong like you.

You can go fight in Afghanistan, Iraq and (pretty soon) Iran. If you don’t like Army pay, you can earn three times as much driving trucks through IEDs and mine fields for a private contractor. Those opportunities are dying in Iraq, but they are plenty in Afghanistan, and soon in Iran. See how we plan ahead?

And if you don’t like things here, you can go abroad and work for one of our multinationals there. You won’t earn half what you earn here, but the cost of living is far lower. And think of the pleasure of seeing your family once or twice a year! Think of the great stories you’ll tell! You can live like an Indian or Chinese.


8. Freedom. We want freedom. If we win, everyone will have freedom.

We’ll have more because we’ll have more money and won’t have to worry about keeping food on the table. We’ll have more freedom to build, to pollute, to muscle our competition aside, to make you work harder and faster under worse conditions, and to keep more of our money. You’ll have freedom to keep more of what we pay you and (if you want a job) to keep your mouth shut.

Doesn’t that sound ideal? No more wimpy liberals. No more “redistribution of wealth.” You get to keep every penny of what we give you. And if you ever feel angry or oppressed, we’ll blink if you want to beat up some of those queers, minorities or terrorist-coddling Muslims. Your recreation will be just like it was in the good old days, drinking and fighting. That’ll keep you out of real trouble, such as picketing.

Real men like Buchanan, Hanity and O’Reilly will be proud of you. They’ll smile at you from their limousines and gated communities.


So to sum it up, you’ll have your own money, which we’ll give you. You’ll have a job, when and where we give it to you. You’ll be independent of government and self-reliant. You’ll have nothing to do with those wimps who need a safety net. Do what we tell you, go to Church (which we’ll build) every Sunday, don’t make trouble, and you’ll be fine.

The government won’t take your money, except for defense, because we won’t let it. We’ll control it. We’ll also control you, and your life will be just fine. Any resemblance to medieval serfdom will be purely coincidental.


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